I thought that taking attendance in sacrament meeting
was listed as something we shouldn't do in the
Church Handbook of Instructions, but am probably
wrong on this.
But, since this is a tech list, here are some wildly crazy solutions:
1) FINGERPRINT THEM
Buy enough of those USB fingerprint scanners for each
entrance into the Chapel, and have people donate the use of
their laptops to run the software.
: Everyone's fingerprint is unique so you won't count them twice.
: Make sure to have some handwipes, because the scanners
don't do too well against children's snack-sticky hands.
2) VIDEOTAPE THEM
Now I know for a fact that videotaping in the chapel is strictly
forbidden by the Church Handbook of Instructions, so you would
need to setup the cameras at the entrances and face them toward
the foyers. Then run some face-recognition software.
: People will forget that the cameras are even there.
: Face-recognition software is expensive, but if one
of your members works for Homeland Security or you live in
Las Vegas, you might be able to get a deal.
3) AUDIO RECORD THEM
Audiorecording in the Chapel, on the other hand, I believe is
allowed by the Church Handbook, so microphone-up the
pews, and fireup the voice-recognition software. You can
be assured that everyone talks before or during sacrament
meeting - the reverance program just ain't what it used to be.
: By recording the conversations you might be able to
measure the effectiveness of speakers, see how many members
are "really sustaining" those to callings, or just might pick up
some juicy pieces of gossip. Also, if you can get your local
Facilities Management people to agree, you could wire up the
pews, so any loud outbursts are greeted with a mild electric
: Voice-recognition software isn't perfected yet.
False-positives might cause the wrong screaming
child to be shocked.
I've only listed those technically practical at this time.
Ideas I've left out: Rentinal Scanners, RFIDs implanted
in each member's scriptures, etc.
Also, for some reason you might have some trouble getting
members to agree to these methods. A few stern talks from
the Stake President should get them in line.
- Atticus Ewig
Everything above is a joke. Please, please don't implement any of them